It’s too late now for those people, those ‘old friends’.

They have missed their chance, and should they stumble across me now, they would find me in a place they wouldn’t have expected me to be.

I have changed.

The truth is – I don’t know if I would want to see them again – Pearl.  And Dean.

These days, I might not be able to hold back that mountain of anger.

 

Oh, don’t mind me – I’m just chatting away, you know.

 

Who me?

Hey – I’m just getting started.

 

I’ve just watched the Chemical Brothers’ Glastonbury (2019) performance on the television catch-up – wow!

Check it out!

Don’t miss it!

If you are a naive person, it will help you be less naive!

Who was on when I was actually there – all those years ago?

I can’t remember.

They say if you can remember, you weren’t there.

I probably saw Keith Flint, but I wouldn’t remember.

 

I’m not worrying too much what I put here at the moment.

 

And now that I am so far, I need to see where to move from where I am now – nothing sudden – because I have known that this is deliberate – on their separate parts – Pearl.  And Dean – each of them – a deliberate keeping-away.

 

There is a potential path to Pearl.  And Dean – deep between those mountain ranges, but I – haven’t been able to take it, so far – I have felt that I haven’t the strength – and – I feel stronger now, but is that enough?

 

I need to be careful.

 

No.  I do not pursue, not one inch, people who have deliberately hidden themselves from me, got away from my view.

I am clearer now – this is about seeing, vision.

They, individually, don’t want to see them [sic].

This dying business – I’ve always thought that living was there to get to know stuff.

As a philosophy, I’ve heard that, many times.

And I seem to have internalised it to an extent where I haven’t thought about it much, even sneering to myself at the very idea – how simplistic that seems.

But it’s there, that idea, in me, floating around, not so easily dismissed; we’re here to learn.

I think of Dad (and Mam, though she is further away, having died so long ago now – it is as though when people die, they get further and further away from you) – but Dad and Mam – I envisage (and it is that – I see them in my mind’s eye) – I envisage that they know, now, all about what troubled me.

Maybe they know more about it all than I do.

Or maybe have them there, knowing, so that I can have this dialogue with each of them about it – on-going as I discover, more and more, what is there in my mind, and what I remember.