I’ve been to a funeral, okay? An old uncle who was a very nice man.
But a church service attached to conversion – and I can’t get along with that.
And rifts in the family that left me – without thought – saying how stupid these people were.
This is happening to me more, these days – I don’t plan it – I open my mouth – all sorts come out.
And people don’t expect it in me – I have always been so quiet – so push-able about – so . . .
Look over my own shoulder –
Wednesday 4 March 2020
Jean has been tonight. I felt too tired for her visit, but it has turned out good – she saw what I meant about Yorick’s plastic tassel on top of the fence straight away, did not condemn me for having already put a couple of sprigs of ivy in the ground (inclusive of rooting powder) next to the fence, nor my plans (!) to let the Virginia Creeper – it belongs to the neighbour out the back of Godwin and Yorick’s – through.
I am even going to let it root in my garden – it did last year and I pulled it out – the plant is a thug and I’ll have to (!) watch it, and the ivy – but I can’t stand that tassel at all, and it’s time to plant up the fence – what they don’t like they can cut off – I can hardly start cutting their plastic tassel, tempting though the idea of that is.
I’ve ordered a delivery from Sainsbury’s for tomorrow – I haven’t done that for a long time, but I am exhausted – too much emotional trouble going on, and I might have this cold, or that might be part of my own myth.
I’m not-so-well anyway, and the best thing I can do is to slow right down and nurse myself before I nurse others, or accommodate others – which I have been doing.
Dee and . . . – out the back of us – I’m no longer keeping the Virginia Creeper from adorning their fence either, which I said I would do – they buy the fence, these people, and you with it. I don’t know how I have fallen for this so much, but I have.
On three sides of us – fences that now belong to the neighbours, and each neighbour has thought they can do what they want through that. It’s a new trend, I think, this buying-up of fences.
Mind you, B has been very ill, and I haven’t had time for much challenging of neighbours.
As far as Dee and . . . go, though – I was way too ready to fit in with their plans. Where is my mind?
I lie there in bed. I’m tired. I’m too hot – I always have that, these days – but my mind is racing, and I have to get up to jot some down of what I am thinking.
I am not at peace with myself – far from it.
If I don’t manage this situation, I’m going to have very sore hips, as I have other nights, recently.
I can’t take any more medication just yet – ah, open the window for a while since I’m not sleeping but sitting in my chair –
I could go down and eat, but not yet – I’ve been eating like crazy and, whereas it is in my whatsits that I can eat as I want – really – I’m not that hungry yet. Wait a while. Some toast later on, maybe.
Yoga – I can only do so much – I have been doing a lot of it the last few nights when I haven’t been sleeping – but I don’t want to stretch myself to the point of destruction.
I could type for a while, catch up with some writing I have been doing – but I’ve done enough of that for today, also.
Go down – read the newspaper – I haven’t been out for a couple of days, haven’t bought new ones – I’ve been keeping up with Google News – mainly headlines.
I need a rest from it all.
My game – Luigi’s Mansion 3 – I’ve been sick of it for some time but not ready to move on yet.
I’m just plain tired.
And looking for myself and not finding myself.
And what Seth Godin says in his book – it is interesting but – I’m not a self-marketer – I haven’t time for all that.
And I don’t want to serve people – I think I’ve been doing enough of that already – quit the humility thing.
Adriene does a root chakra session and has attached ‘gratitude’ to it – not sure what she is making of that – her intention thing is okay – you just intend to – do head to knee, for instance – you’re nowhere near it but the idea of it is there.
Maybe she’s done something like that with gratitude – ah, I had to be grateful for something or other . . . at one time . . . – and now – I’m supposed to be grateful for all these fences people have put up around me.
Toast – and tea – but I’ll bring it up here.
Thursday 5 March 2020
Okay. I’m in pretty much of a bad way – my back is killing me, and I still have a lot to do to get B organised with appointments.
I have worked out, though, that I really do need to take this one day at a time.
I have a delivery coming today from Sainsbury’s – this will be the third day that I will not have been out to shop.
Seth Godin – I like the way he talks.
I said I needed to nurse myself.
I’m not a nurse.
Nurturing is probably a better description of what I need to do.