Another thing I’ve discovered –

I’d put a couple of posts on the blog from what I wrote for NaNo – simplifying what I had for NaNo greatly – but I’ve looked at the notebook again this morning – well, I’ve looked at it a few times, and couldn’t make head nor tail of most of it – I was looking for parts that I could edit – it doesn’t work that way for me.

In what I did post, I missed out that the old woman had come from the mountains that were behind her when she was crossing the plain – where else could she have come from?

I’d missed out that authorial, as I’d come to see it, ‘stage-direction’ – ‘where else could she have come from?’

But I hadn’t looked at what I had called ‘Preface’, and which I will now, I think, call ‘Frontispiece’ – that led into this idea of the story opening up through the author in some way – I included in the first NaNo manuscript some paragraphs that had ‘leaked’ into autobiographical posts in – an earlier manifestation of my blog.

And – you have to, I think (and there was a time when I didn’t think this), start from the beginning – wherever your beginning happens to be – and work through from there.

In the past, I’ve tried to ‘patch in’ in the middle of scenes and so on – that I couldn’t do at the time – but the ‘patched-in’ parts never fitted properly.

And the quality of my writing changes over time.

I think, if I seem to be at a dead end with something, I shouldn’t leave it, go further on in the story, with the idea of going back to it – cut, instead.

This is where my thoughts are at the moment.

I write on, relentlessly, trying to find my way.

People are busy with Christmas preparations, and I don’t care about it.

I’m still getting over NaNo, and I feel as though no one is bothered about that, now, but I have the odd post I wrote back then – actually, only early this month but that seems such a long time ago – that I couldn’t publish (in the WordPress way) then – and need to now, so I can move on.

‘Blog – Friday 6 December 2019.

‘Gotta round it up.  Gotta round it up.  Gotta . . .

‘I was old in there – my real, old self.

‘Give up on it!  Give up on the pretence!

‘Told you so!  Told you so!

‘Shad up!  Shad up!  Shad up!’

 

NaNoWriMo – one I prepared earlier, and felt I couldn’t give until now . . .

‘Saturday 6 December 2019.

‘It’s difficult to move on from NaNoWriMo.  I can’t round it up, in my mind.

‘I thought it was terrible, really.

‘I’ve escaped from there by the skin of my teeth, and I don’t want to go back, not at the moment.

‘I didn’t want to send those 50,000-odd words up the validation spout, and then I couldn’t anyway because that part of the site was broken.

‘They had a poll and I said the lack of validation hadn’t spoilt my – experience – of NaNo, but, really – it needed to be there or people could make up any number they wanted.

‘Of course.

‘I didn’t buy a mug.

‘By the end of it, I didn’t want a mug.

‘I didn’t want a t-shirt, but then I don’t wear t-shirts – I used to, back in the day, but I prefer blouses now (loose).

‘I hate to betray my age-group, but NaNo is for young people.

‘And I lost a lot of data because I didn’t manage the site very well.

‘But that doesn’t matter – I lost site-data, not my own – I still have my 50,031 words plus some – I’ve jotted into that Word document (where I have it) more words, directional words, reminder words as they have occurred to me after the end of NaNo.

‘NaNoWriMo is a money-making machine – but wait – it’s non-profit, isn’t it?

‘I don’t know how that works.

‘I have the words.

‘I don’t want to be too critical.

‘I have more words there, which are far-ranging due to the forced-march aspect of it – not just one novel-length there –

‘When I go back, I’ll keep what is there – the general organisation that it is – at arm’s length.

‘Hated NaNo.’

A visitor this weekend.

How to cook for someone else.

Conversation – it has been so long.

The words are not there.

Or misunderstood.

I feel my way, still spaced out after NaNoWriMo, which I didn’t want to mention again.

But I have talked about it with the visitor.

I feel not normal.

I feel tactless, and as though that is my normal state – why can’t people understand?

Some awful stories and I know I have had myself wrapped up here, cocooned.

It is lucky for me that I have somewhere to warm myself, and that I am not standing on some street corner, screaming.

I’m still mopping up from NaNo.

I’ve been over to the site again, lost everything I had logged there before, put the word-count in again and I’m still a winner – all my stats are gone so I’m a ‘closed book – any chance I’m writing a mystery?’  They have no idea where in the world I am writing, that stat having disappeared . . .

Oh well, I’m not worrying overmuch – the site asked me to fill in my profile – this was right at the beginning – I did – and then they wanted me to fill it in again – I did . . .

You may need to be a Pinterest person in order to get everything from NaNo.  I didn’t fill that in.  There was something else I didn’t fill in.  Maybe it’s my fault NaNo hasn’t gone straightforward for me in its gubbins.  I now have two progress lines in the stats.

I shrug my shoulders – they ache plenty and that is probably good for them.

I found something else I wrote about how I felt about the validation – in a way, I feel a bit put out that I did all that and – it isn’t there – but I have, in a note – ‘. . . the validation process isn’t available this year . . . .  That is good news for me because, I don’t know why, but I felt dubious about getting my word-count validated.  It was, for me, like playing the game too far.’

And I have, at the top of that potential blog-post – ‘Oh well, let’s get real now.’

I spent much of yesterday sorting out the private diary I have beyond this blog.

However, I’m trying to be honest here, on the blog, as I can (you don’t always know when you’re tricking yourself).

It seems to me that too many people try to string you along.

A post I wrote before . . .

Yes – after the NaNo finish – I’m still trying to find myself – there was this blank.

I wrote, and didn’t post – ‘It’s getting to be quite artificial now trying to reach the word-count, which is a number more fictitious than the fiction you are trying to create.

‘I’m close to the 50,000 now, and there is no validation process this year, for which I am glad.

‘Put in that para.’

That last part, there – it was a note to myself – i’m not sure where that ‘para’ is now – but I remember I wrote that I would need to think about that – why I did have qualms about validation.

The website was all over the place – and it still is – I’m supposed to get – is it equivalent to some sticker I can put on my site?  And – other things.

And I don’t care.

But the validation – you uploaded your words, they went to their server and back – to be counted – and no human eyes got to look them over.

I still felt as though I didn’t trust the process, and I’m not tech-savvy enough to be able to explain that.

It is very important to me – more than that – it is of the utmost importance to me that my writing remains my own.  It has to be – not for reasons of ‘I am so good’ but because of what I am writing about, only so much of which I have said at this point.

The words I use can say it, in a metaphorical way.

NaNoWriMo – I very strongly felt that I wanted to do it – I’m glad I’m a member of the site and can go back there, when I want, to look around, check into forums, but I don’t care about the winner badge.  I don’t need the outside accoutrements.  I’ve done it.  I know I’ve done it.  This is as much as I can say for now – I’m still working through this huge velocity of space I have found . . .