What was I thinking just then?  There was something that is preventing me from sleeping.

It is late at night, maybe at the turn of midnight (late for me) and I am handwriting this, sitting in my chair beside the computer table – oh, there is too much to explain here, and they say you should trim, but I want this continued flow that will surely make me feel better.

It was some man I have known that I was thinking about, when I was lying there, in the bed.

And now I come to where I can’t disclose – I thought I should – I wrote it – but I got rid of an entire potential post because there was too much disclosure there that I didn’t want to make.

This man – I can’t remember now but I know I felt that he did not, for some reason, deserve to be thought of kindly by me.

Until I can think of who I mean, this writing is pointless.

I feel.

But it brought back memories, this thinking of him, of when, for quite a few years, I allowed myself – wrong word –


The wind is up, outside – gusty.

And – I daren’t look at the time.

Insomnia.  I have – no – this isn’t real, as I write.

I must take another painkiller.


In lieu of saying nothing – and here is the title.