When money is tight, I consolidate.

That entails some ranging around to see what projects I may have left partly done while having been drawn to specific other ones that have taken much of my time, up until this point.

I’m playing Sid Meier’s ‘Civilization VI’.  I bought it a while back, but then got pulled into the ‘de Blobs’ (there are two of them) – and now that I need to be careful with my money and the ‘de Blobs’ completed, I can go back and try this one.

I said something about some games being as exciting to play as watching paint dry – this was the one I was thinking of.

But I’ve played ‘Civilization’ games before and I know they are gripping (like a Stephen King novel).  This one, however, seems to be more difficult than the ones I’ve played in the past.

It’s summer – I’m hot and bothered – I know that if I looked into the game further – find out what I’m supposed to do – then I’d be better at it, instead of each civilization that I try to grow being ground into the dust, in no time, under someone’s heel.

No.  I’m determined.

I’ve been playing randomly.  You move your settlers and your warriors, as two separate units, across a landscape – the view is more or less from above – and, after some days of doing this, moving my units wherever, am starting to get a feel for it, notice things.

Oh – there is an advisor, and you can get her to take you through a sample game and she will tell you things but, for some reason, her voice gets on my nerves – I can’t go through it all.

Mind, I bought ‘Dead Souls Re-Mastered’ not long before I bought this one – and the controls on it are so utterly alien (opposite to what they usually are) that I’m going to need to feel dedicated indeed to continue with it.

I’ve got to do things for myself.

There is so much asking for recommendations from other people that you can do, especially if you are trying something new, but you get to a point – I’m speaking for myself – you get to a point where you could do with exploring things for yourself.

Summer-time is so boring.  People are away on holiday, you go out and do your usual stuff but come back bathed in sweat, you can’t have too many summer clothes but you can’t find any new ones in the shops that suit you – people are not writing so much in their blogs – and there is only so much reading of your current book that you can do – and it has become suddenly too hot to be in the garden at all – and you have finished your latest computer game.

I like Nintendo.  I play Nintendo.

I like the Zelda games – love them – such a fan – that reminds me of that Stephen King book – the writer in it meeting his greatest fan – oh, they made a film of it, and of course, the film was not as good as the book – Misery – that was it.

But no – if a Zelda game comes out, I get it, immediately.  I like being Link.

And I play Mario, Pokemon, even Animal Crossing – don’t those little friends get so mean sometimes?

I have played a few adult games – one about twins falling into a ghostly village – frightened myself almost to death with that one – and another that was for teenagers – hair in their eyes – if I was really there, I’d be handing out the hairgrips.

What I need to do is to spend some money on a variety of games in an effort to find what I like in them without getting the same old things, over and over again.

Spend some money to get an idea.

Oh – ‘de Blob’ – but they’ve now updated that to ‘Splatoon’.  Maybe I should give that another whirl.

But you can spend unsustainable amounts of money on games that you hate – that you can’t play, that you play but it is like watching paint dry, that you play – but you are pushed along a path that you don’t want to pursue – they think everyone wants the same – I played one game once – ‘Tomodachi Life’ – and because I pulled back from getting hitched to a guy – was told that I was afraid to pursue my own happiness!

I looked today, on the official Nintendo website, found some trailers, hit the colour-trail – or it hit me – watched some special effects – pow!

Okay.  I’ve at least done that.  Spent a short time just looking.

It comes down to money so often.  It’s the same with books – I’ll avoid the book shop -and go to the library for a while and then feel as though I’ve read every one from there that I could possibly be interested in.

It’s time as well.  You think that, at certain eras in your life, you will have time to – whatever . . .

But the time gets wrapped up in the general expenditure.

And you have to (still talking to myself) get by with what you have – with that small amount of money that you have left over this month, with that amount of time when there is so much more, and so much more, to do as you get older.

Give up on the mythical golden time – if that comes, it comes by accident, and not recognised until after, when it is all done, when you don’t have it any more.

It’s a waste to kick against all this – you just relax down – yes, I’m talking to you – that’s the best thing – you will get done what you have time for.

I feel generally sad at the moment.

It is only six in the morning, and I’m writing this on paper.  I don’t usually type straight into the blog.

I was going to, this morning, but I’ve switched the beast on and it is so bright, that screen.

I have opened the curtains to let some of that early-morning light in – I usually have them closed to stop light reflecting from the screen – as an effort to –

I had something there about the contrast between the ambient light and the blazing screen.

As usual, I have too much to say all at once, and it complicates my sentences – and I split one just above – I knew it was wrong, part of it referring to the idea that had gone – even before – and part to where I currently was.

I told myself to let that complicated sentence stand – but here I am – it is a quarter past one in the afternoon, and I am typing this up – and things change again.

And I don’t necessarily keep what I had.

I have something there on the handwritten sheet – that the imperfect often says it better –

I could also assert that perfection only exists as a – point over there – towards which we could strive – but never reach, I would argue.

After a conversation, I have seen that I need to look more widely for my news – I have a favourite newspaper, but I need to keep an eye on news from other sources.

 

I am used to these shifting sands that make definition difficult.

There are so many nuances to a question that – it would be impossible to cover every base, but a necessity to set some – bases – I will not have goals – to set some places where certain values – yes – values – can be attached.  Just to hold something there for long enough that there can be a discussion.

There is more information coming, higgledy, piggledy.

When I come to sort this lot out, I may put it into more accessible order – who knows?  I do as I like as far as I like – this is what I am practising these days.

This is for real, you know.

It’s not tit-for-tat.

It’s not you-do-for-me and then I-do-for-you.

It’s not some posh networking.

Let’s get real, I could say, but I used that word back there.

Let’s tell-it-like-it-is, I could say, but I’ve never understood what that phrase means, and the first time I heard it, a guy who later gave me some huge trouble used it – along with a high-five which – I didn’t know what that was – it was a new-out expression – oh, come on –

I’d say – how-?-can-you-get (lost the word there) – but it was new-out then – one of those cool-things.  ‘Cool’ is all right in its own circumstances, but I – if I’m honest – I’m not so keen on ‘cool’ – very much because I feel the heat, in fact, more often than not –

Here I am.

It is quarter past eight or thereabouts, in the morning – I’m not looking at my watch on this occasion – the exact time no longer always signifies in particular – 

I get sick, sometimes, of using the same old words, don’t you?

But they fit with where I am now – and I suppose, without me having noticed it, this has turned into one of those early-morning (just got up) free-flows of writing, which are useful – they empty your mind, and show you where you are – words splash on to the page – unexpected ones, sometimes – it’s almost like taking a cold bath, except that I never take those.

No.

A splash of hot tears – that is more like it.

Indulgence hardly comes into this.

Necessity is the King – and now I know for definite where I am.

 

It’s too late now for those people, those ‘old friends’.

They have missed their chance, and should they stumble across me now, they would find me in a place they wouldn’t have expected me to be.

I have changed.

The truth is – I don’t know if I would want to see them again – Pearl.  And Dean.

These days, I might not be able to hold back that mountain of anger.

 

Oh, don’t mind me – I’m just chatting away, you know.

 

Who me?

Hey – I’m just getting started.

 

I’ve just watched the Chemical Brothers’ Glastonbury (2019) performance on the television catch-up – wow!

Check it out!

Don’t miss it!

If you are a naive person, it will help you be less naive!

Who was on when I was actually there – all those years ago?

I can’t remember.

They say if you can remember, you weren’t there.

I probably saw Keith Flint, but I wouldn’t remember.

 

I’m not worrying too much what I put here at the moment.

 

And now that I am so far, I need to see where to move from where I am now – nothing sudden – because I have known that this is deliberate – on their separate parts – Pearl.  And Dean – each of them – a deliberate keeping-away.

 

There is a potential path to Pearl.  And Dean – deep between those mountain ranges, but I – haven’t been able to take it, so far – I have felt that I haven’t the strength – and – I feel stronger now, but is that enough?

 

I need to be careful.

 

No.  I do not pursue, not one inch, people who have deliberately hidden themselves from me, got away from my view.

I am clearer now – this is about seeing, vision.

They, individually, don’t want to see them [sic].

I’ve got to get those people off my back.

That is where it feels they are, clinging there, hanging on.

I heard music once – in the walls, or the central heating pipes –

I was on anti-psychotics at the time, and I established a theory that the reason I was hearing things was because I wasn’t psychotic and had been put on the tablets so that Cassie could tick her boxes.

It was a sort of reversal, I figured – not-psychotic plus anti-psychotics makes hearing music in the walls.

No.  It was coming from next door – it had to be.

Later, when I wasn’t getting better, Cassie accused me of not trying to get better!

I’d punch her in the nose, if I saw her now – metaphorically speaking.  (I wouldn’t risk the law court for that awful woman.)

And do I remain ‘cool’ and pretend it hasn’t affected me?

Pearl.  And Dean.

Disappeared as though off the face of the earth.

I’ve got to be fair, I suppose (it’s not raining) – they parted.

That makes it understandable, I tell myself – that they then backed off . . .

I have wondered – could it be this?  Could it be that?

Oh – I have bits and pieces of paper all over the place, with notes to myself on them, attempts at writing this:

‘I haven’t a clue what happened.  What am I supposed to do?  Make up answers for myself?’

‘Try to be understanding?  Try to make up stories for them that let them off?’

‘That they think they can treat me like that, and make excuses for themselves?  That I don’t matter – except that I do?’

The word ‘shoddy’ comes to mind.

Glastonbury has been on this past weekend.

If they are not dead, or hopelessly demented, they will know it has been on – and they must think of us – we went with them to Glastonbury once.

‘No.  I didn’t see much of it on the television – I’m musically inept – I try but I mostly don’t get it.’

I wrote that, but then I did see Liam Gallagher on ‘catch-up’ – and I know I have some problem with music – but you recognise masters of the genre – even I do – I haven’t lost music, I think (I knew it) – it was taken from me somehow – way back, way back . . .

Oh, I’m just slopping this on the page, now – get said what I can – but I’d thought I could make characters of these people – I can’t.

They are who they are, and I am not giving them the benefit of telling their stories for them – I’m not speculating – giving them answers; putting answers into their mouths.  That isn’t fair (it’s not raining).