She used to goad me, this person I am thinking of.

This has to be said, sooner or later, but there are areas surrounding this that I know are there but which I can’t discuss in this place here.

I know who this person is, and I just hope I remember who I mean – no, I really do feel as though I can’t say who she is, here in public.

I know – here we are again – public/private – it really does matter to me – it’s more than you might think.  I am afraid of hurting people if I bring things into the public – it matters as a surface thing, but it matters as a deep thing also –

These people – I do like to think in terms of – after death – coming back, or going into other dimensions – even though I don’t accept religions that I come across – I’m repeating myself here but it does need to be said.

I wonder if, in the scheme of things, I’ll come across that woman again – maybe there is a limited cast that you play around with over and over – this idea has come back to me because I’ve recently read – (here we go again but I wouldn’t want to spoil anything) – a Stephen King novel that deals with that – and – oh, these ideas were all the rage in my freak (hippie) youth.

I’m telling my story, but I’m seeing what can be said straight-out and what will need to wait.

I shall continue with this story until the day I die – I know that much.

 

I’m mopping up a few loose threads here – that was from a beginning I wrote on paper, and then, in the typing, as so often happens, I thought of something else and put that there.

This is why it is difficult to write straight.

Oh – I was taught to – at school – and I keep on reminding myself not to lose that skill altogether – I might need that again at some point – some of my – but I am saying more than I would want to there – I don’t plan this out beforehand (which is what we were taught at school) and – I’m typing away (straight into this blog-space now) and – something pops into my mind – a dread, or a fear, or a warning – and – I must trust myself in that instinct or I’m lost altogether – I must take note of that, and not say what I was about to say.

I’m hoping that I’ll say it all one day – impossible, I tell myself.

I must just keep on saying as I can and in whatever way I can.

That is what I have.

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