Insomnia. There is medication that I take for it (herbal) over there in that drawer.
I was going to say that I’m not going to take it, but I just have. I’m sick of medicating myself, but that seems preferable to seeking anything stronger – oh, I am being so – ordinarily – sensible? – even thinking of that – look, words fail me because I am so tired.
No. I’ve been through the whole gamut of sleeping tablets from the doctor – they give you those – ‘just-to-make-you-drowsy’ (they say it in a ‘comforting’ voice – there, there – you’ll be all better again soon . . .)
But this has been years that – I can’t think straight – I am so tired –
Doctors haven’t done so well with me with the sleeping-thing – and I prefer to find what I can elsewhere now – bricolage – an art of – what was it? – things found – herbal tablets found, as it were – in a health shop – in that – there’s a sense that – there is no guarantee with them, you see – there is something of a guarantee with the doctor-medication – it is officially endorsed – except that is worthless, that guarantee, as guarantees often are – with me, in this case – I don’t want to give my entire medical history, but I had that exquisite sense of misery – was it yesterday?
Which I batted aside – I can’t afford to let that linger.
I’m supposed to be looking after myself here – don’t you worry; I can do it – just need to empty anxieties on to this page.
But it changes everything, insomnia, you know. This may be the third night running I have been awake – and if I wake enough to go downstairs and get the cup of tea (already done that), then it’s a couple of hours up.
Hello, birdies! Yes. Dawn chorus now – oh the wonders of nature – I’m too hot – window is open, but the birds sing so nicely just outside it.
Yes. You don’t function the same if you have insomnia. You can be going along in a certain direction. Insomnia changes it.
I haven’t been troubled by it for ages – assurances now – I’m okay – I am – but you get that panicky feeling if you think you’re going to become stuck with this insomnia-thing again.
No. I don’t want to tell you everything about it – I want some shreds of privacy.
There’s nothing else for it. I’m aching – yes, I get the proverbial aches and pains.
Painkillers. Whatever will knock me out. Must sleep.