Curse

[From – Thursday 18 January 2007]

Need to write a bit more – anything – to get my head clear.

Dentist today – the old dentist – hygienist appointment – decided I’d go – I’ll feel safer going to the new dentist if my teeth are clean.

I don’t think I need to say anything else because all that is going through my head, apart from that, are imagined criticisms from other people.

I’m pushing aside that imagined criticism, because I’m bored with myself taking on board other people’s criticisms of me – where they want me to live my life the way they think is best for me.

So, I’m going for this clean today – I’m not looking forward to it because I may get that woman who was rude last time, and who – she used some procedure that was painful.

I did try to ring later on yesterday, to ask how much it was going to cost me.  Prices have gone up.  But their phone was on answer because their receptionists were busy.

What were they doing?

Maybe they had a glut of patients going through – a line of patients going out of the door –

Anyway, I’m back-biting.

Who knows what they were doing – it was quite late when I rang, and I rang more than once, and – oh, shut up, Joan.

I need to get ready quite soon – my appointment is for ten-thirty.

 

Okay.  She’s cursed.

I wasn’t sure, when I went in, if it was the same one I saw last time – but, as I think about it – it is.

The same authoritarian disregard for the patient – and the type that couldn’t be told – she is so sure of herself.  Some people are like that, and all you can do is avoid them like the plague.

I have the new dentist on Tuesday – I’ll see what she is like.

I got upset in there, today – you can’t help getting upset – you dissect it afterwards, but it’s too late – you’re upset – you have been upset.

I don’t want to be upset when I go to the dentist.

I want to be treated as though I matter as a person.

I could write to them, explaining why I’ve decided to leave, but I know, before I begin, the sort of letter that I would get back, if I got a letter at all – one stating their position – and not moving an inch – which would upset or anger me once again.

And so – I won’t do that.

I hope this new dentist is an improvement.

I won’t know what the hygienist is like until later, but if the dentist is okay…

Unless the new hygienist is like this one that I’ve just seen, where, no matter what you say, it makes no difference –

She wanted absolute obedience, full-stop – I’m sure she never asks herself why her patients don’t, or can’t, comply – she sees in black and white – at that point when she mentioned her duty I could have hit her –

No.  Not that.

I can’t remember how I felt, but the word dripped like an icy water-drop on to my tombstone – that sort of feeling.

I was upset, but she went ahead with her hygienist plan for me regardless – I couldn’t take in what she said – I was disregarding it as she was saying it, because I couldn’t trust her in the first place.

A hectoring tone, a surety that she was right, a certainty that the state of my teeth was my own fault –

Whereas I have never had proper advice before on the best way to clean my teeth – all these years I’ve been going regularly to the dentist, and I’ve never had proper advice.

I’ve had the odd bit of advice from dentists – everything I’ve been told is contrary to what this awful woman has told me today.

She gets her rocks off on my discomfort, on my fault, on my shame.

Therefore, I hope something really nasty happens to her that will cause her to rethink her general attitude and her sense of superiority at the expense of other people.

She really is not a nice person.

I’d leave her alone in her error, but she has unleashed that against me.

I don’t really believe that curses of mine will make any difference to people, not on a rational level, but in my deep levels where – it’s not just superstition – where a word can affect the course of events – where I believe it can – I curse her from that place.

Call it my id, if you like.

There are no extenuating circumstances for her from this, my place.

There is no understanding or forgiveness – not on what I’ve encountered in her today.

And so, from there, I wish her harm.

And I wish her harm because she has harmed me, and therefore doesn’t deserve my mercy.

It is good for my soul to think this way.

It heals the deep rift inside me.

It allows me to carry on, and bring out the deep upset.

She has had no mercy for me – so be it also for her from me.

 

I have to get myself calmed down from that traumatic situation now.

2 thoughts on “Curse

  1. Hi Joan. This story reminds me of my mom. I forgave her but couldn’t tell her. Wouldn’t hear believe what I experienced. The last time i saw her she said “i will forgive you if you forgive me.” First conditional love, yuck, and second death forces us to see ourselves fearfully. Maybe knowing she wouldn’t need to change meant she wasn’t really sorry.

    Like

  2. I find it helpful in the first place being able to say, even if only to ourselves (for me it was through my diary by this time – 2007), how we really feel – deep down. We are human.
    The ‘forgive me and I will forgive you’ – from where I stand that doesn’t seem to be the thing – it’s a tit for tat.
    But one thing you can do is acknowledge that there is a place, inside yourself, where you just can’t see that forgiveness is possible.
    In my experience, I have felt that way about some people, and then later, often much later, I think of something that was a characteristic of the person, that was, actually, helpful to me. And I can take away the feelings of wanting them cursed. Forgive them.
    And then it is genuine – not a made-up thing.
    I’m sorry that your mother didn’t believe something that you experienced. That has happened to me, also.
    I think it’s because people see things, events, and other people from somewhere they expect things to be – they have a particular world-view that, as far as you are concerned, is just not true. But they can’t believe you, or the whole world (as far as they believe) comes toppling down.
    They try to coerce you into their way of seeing things – because they thought they knew where you were, and they can’t understand where you might be if you weren’t in the place they expected you to be.
    This is an imperfect answer – the death thing – I think we all struggle with the idea of death – because we do know it is going to happen, sooner or later. They say that animals don’t have the sense of self-awareness that we have – and so they have nothing to wonder about with regard to that.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s