[From – Diary – Saturday, 6 January, 2007]
He’s just gone to bed – it’s about a quarter to twelve, and if I’m to stay in my new routine, I’ll also need to go to bed soon.
Too much to explain, perhaps, tonight.
Went to see Mam with Jean, as usual.
Poor Mam can hardly get a word in edgeways.
Jean and I moan and grumble.
Jean’s reading the Bible.
I told her I read it when I was young, straight through, from beginning to end. I’d thought I’d better find out what it was about. I said the odd thing to Jean about Christianity being for men – especially the Old Testament – and mentioned Michelene Wandor’s poems about Eve and Lilith.
She was interested in Lilith.
I’ve just read the poems.
I remember when I first read them, and thought, ‘I don’t understand them! I don’t get them!’
You feel as though you should know, somehow.
Well, I still don’t get most of them, but I reminded myself not to be frightened of them.
It’s a bit worrying, passing the book over to Jean to read.
I don’t want to put her off before she even starts.
I know what I’d do with these poems now – pick out a few that interest me and look at those first.
I’ve thought I’ll suggest to Jean that she does that.
I feel as though I do want to get something from these poems, but I know now that it’s up to me what I do get.
I also know that I don’t have to relate it to the Bible if I don’t want to – I didn’t know that then, when I first came across it at the university – but I could make whatever associations I wanted.
It’s no good, you see – I can’t unwind, just like that.
It’s probably tomorrow – I’m not looking because I don’t want to unduly worry myself. If I write tomorrow, I’ll count it tomorrow after I’ve slept.
In fact, what I’ve read from the poems – it’s affected me already. God is measure, order. And Lilith – abstract.
And here I am, ordering my life where I can – but that’s my business, isn’t it?