Diary – Saturday

Lying there trying to catch my breath while my heart thumps.

And thumps.

Something I read must have got to me.

I can be affected.

Got some survival techniques.

Know I will survive – that is all part of the game.

I’m dropping the ‘of course’ from this.  You can get tired of always having to give disclaimers, you know – ‘of course, I say this, but there is of course…’

Ah!  Now – there’s an idea –

There are areas I can’t talk about here, in the blog –

(As there are areas I can’t talk about in the paper diary.)

It is not true that you can say anything.

Here is the disclaimer to that – you can’t say anything unless you want repercussions upon your head – there are consequences.

There are always consequences.

But – I can give up on some of the disclaimers in this blog, in any case, because certain ones (that keep on recurring) tend to revolve around things I can’t say here anyway.

Writing wooden today.

Diary – Thursday

I mustn’t let them rattle my cool.

 

Feel a bit better today.  There has been some sort of switch.

 

But not through it yet – not sure what the switch is – maybe actually a light switch.

 

It’s that time of year.

It’s light until something like five o’clock now – no, I haven’t taken that much notice – I probably draw the curtains in the front room, and put the lamp on, after that – maybe it’s quarter past five, or half past – when the light dims enough to be able to shut all that out.

There will be a storm crossing the country today.

They have given it a name – storms were not named until recently – but

less accommodating.

 

Okay – this is how I need to be – less accommodating – there was a blip in the system there – caught that tail-end of a thought – which I wrote anyway.

Diary – Saturday

I keep on re-making myself through the writing.

I go back over old stories that I only wrote as desperate responses to writing classes that I thought might have some answers.

I am in those stories – they are not so much stories as portraits – this is why they are never, these days, completed.

I say that, but some of them achieve a completion.

Others continue to hang in the air.

I go back and change them – an indication of where I have grown.

 

 

Diary – Monday

This is where I am now, upon this page.  There is only me here.

In my mind, my voice is high and very clear.  Almost like a reed fluting.  I mean a flute reeding.

No.

It is the wind through the reeds at the side of my garden pond.

No.

I have some grass in my hand – a blade, that’s it – and I have learnt how to blow through a folded copy of it – a loop.

It sounds high.

No.  It is – no, I won’t say that.  I don’t want to spoil these high-fallutin’ thoughts.

Diary – Sunday

We don’t always know – what is this ‘we’ – I gave that up long ago – I can’t actually speak for anyone else –

I don’t know – frequently – I frequently don’t know what it is about some people –

You basically like someone – you don’t know why –

But other people – they just take.  They take what belongs to you.

Yes – sure – this is the way of the world – I’m just trying to find out where I am – some free writing without much thought – without corrections – oh, I’m back here again –

Of course I can correct my own writing – it is mine.

And corrections come into it, willy-nilly –

What I mean to say is that it’s automatic isn’t it?  Crossing out as you scratch against the page.

You don’t even think about it.  If you have written for any length of time, it becomes automatic –

I’m getting repetitious, maybe, here – isn’t that twice I’ve used that word?

I’m not looking back at this point.

There is a place for putting in your crossings-out in strikethrough on the computer – no need even to analyse that – if you feel that way, then that is the way you feel.

There is only so much I can say here now.

But – behaviour you don’t like in one person is okay in another.

I think it comes down to motive.

You can’t exactly know what is in someone’s mind, but you can suspect and, as you get to know someone better, you make a mental map of what you have known of that person in the past, and so you accrue some idea.

Spring-cleaning – yes, I’m early…

Gosh – blogging is a cut-throat business, isn’t it?  Followers here, followers gone.

Who I’m following – maybe I should keep it to myself!

WordPress – I distinctly remember reading from them – yoo hoo! WordPress – I know we – kind of – occupy a similar space – but I do remember having read – in their ‘Support’ – that following and unfollowing – no guilt attached to it.

But – (mainly, anyway) – once I follow, I don’t like to unfollow (oh, I have unfollowed a few – when I was starting off and thought that what WordPress said must be correct procedure) – but – I feel bad about it.

I left a ‘thanks for the follow!’ comment on someone’s blog – I saw that people did, and thought it might be the done thing – but that person has unfollowed me now, and my ‘thanks for the follow!’ in her ‘About’ box – it’s still there.

Never mind.  I’ve unfollowed, but I’ve kept her in my Google bookmarks – I’ll check in every now and again.

Hmm – sorting out my blog

Everyone is busy just at the moment, myself included, I suppose, since I’ve given that title, above.

New year, new start – that sort of thing.

Though why a particular blip in the calendar should mean anything, I don’t know.

Of course, we have the equinoxes and the solstices – if you have a telescope, a good pair of eyes, or a spaceship, I suppose the equinoxes and solstices are particular points in the calendar that can be seen to be natural, anyway – the equinoxes marking days when the hours of light and hours of darkness are equal (21 September and 21 March), and the solstices marking the longest and the shortest days (21 June and 21 December) – (actually, I’ve rounded those dates around – if you check on Google, there is a ’22nd’ here and a ’20th’ there – I’m no good at maths, and I’ll never remember those – and I do believe – though it is a long time ago now that I was in school – that we were given ‘the 21st’ for these events – as rough but accurate enough figures).

Other dates – cultural – based upon events that probably didn’t happen on dates assigned to them – although there has been much argument around those – I’m talking about dates beloved of religions – accorded to historical events, or events so strongly present in hearsay that, as far as the religious advocate is concerned, they may as well be.

January 1st as the first day of the new year?  No – I don’t know how that came about, but that is an accepted date – in Western culture, anyway – and beloved, at one time, by all and sundry – hereabouts.

And everyone scurries off (at this time), thinking anew, trying anew – determined, this time, that things will change.

(I know – it’s already well into February, but I’m probably a late developer, and it has taken me until now to work out where everyone is – or might be.)